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Mancini’s Reign Of Terror & The New City Survey

May 21, 2013

MANCINI’S REIGN OF TERROR

•BANNED ENGLISH IN THE DRESSING ROOM

• YOUTH PLAYER MADE TO WEAR CLOGS

• BALOTELLI ALLOWED TO KILL “AT WILL”

• PASTA HAD TO BE FIRM

The shocking details of Roberto Mancini’s reign of terror at Manchester City have been laid bare today as new details have leaked out about his three-year stay at the club.

A source from within the club has laid bare the barbaric regime under the temperamental Italian during his time with the Citizens.

The source said:  “It all started well with Roberto. He was charm personified, and everyone got on. He would bring flowers for the female staff, and spicy sausages for the men. He, Garry Cook and Brian Marwood used to drive out to the country together and bond over a cider and a Lancashire hot pot. But slowly, cracks began to appear.”

After the honeymoon period, Mancini became increasingly cold to those near him. It was around this time he started acting irrationally, and the seeds of his own downfall were sewn.

After one poor performance, Mancini was alleged to have had a huge strop, and banned English being spoken by anyone. Having failed to get everyone to speak Italian, he eventually decided that all communication would be by sign language, semaphore, or smoke signals. This alienated some of the senior members of the squad.

ROME BURNS

One of the main bugbears of the squad though was the special treatment enjoyed by Mario Balotelli.
A City source said, “Balotelli could do what he wanted, and he knew it. He openly smoked in the dressing room. Once, he lit a Cuban cigar and blew the smoke into Mancini’s face as he gave a half-time team-talk. Mancini did nothing. Another time he invited his mates in and was smoking one of those Turkish bongs, a hookah pipe I think, whilst playing cards. The noise of the bubbling water was putting other players off focusing for the upcoming match, but players were told in no uncertain terms to leave him alone as he was a young kid in a strange, foreign land. There was so much smoke pouring out of the changing room one day that I thought City were choosing a new pope” he added.
When Balotelli hit a youth player with a dart, the youth player was disciplined for getting in the way of the dart, and made to wear clogs in training for a week. He was soon loaned out to a Belgian 2nd division club.

OPEN WARFARE

But the ex-manager’s control over the club was total, and extended to all areas of the training ground. Mancini insisted that all pappardelle in the staff canteen be served “al dente”. There was to be no discussion on this. This alienated a lot of the squad, especially Joe Hart, who preferred alphabetti spaghetti. When Mancini was once served a passata-based sauce that contained too much garlic he trashed the canteen, before storming off muttering something about the mafia. The next morning the head dinner lady received a bullet in the post with her name badly scrawled on it. There is no evidence that Mancini sent this bullet. Mancini was equally obsessive about the size of the meatballs.

MASSIVE FLOODLIGHTS

On arrival each day by bicycle, Mancini insisted that he be presented with a yellow shirt, a bunch of flowers and a photo opportunity with two glamorous women kissing his cheek. This alienated some of the junior members in the squad.

Mancini was obsessed about his appearance, earning him the nickname “Mr Moisturiser” amongst the players because he often used moisturiser. He also had the nicknames “Mr Tan”, “Mr Pluckedeyelashes” and “Mr Shinyshoes”.
A source said, “To be honest, players don’t have very active imaginations.”
Mancini’s obsession with appearance alienated some of the fringe players in the squad.

By the end of his reign, Mancini’s relationship had broken down with virtually every member of staff, bar his loyal Italian underlings. Even Micah Richards had stopped smiling, and Chappers had stopped pulling faces. It was then that the owners realised he had to go.

————————————————————-

A Sneak Preview of City’s Next Customer Survey

To be emailed out to fans in late May……

When City next dismisses a manager, would you like it announced:

a) On the official site
b) On Twitter
c) An undisclosed leak
d) On City’s tunnelcam feature/ Inside City
e) Via a series of riddles and cryptic clues

In order of preference (1 being – would most like, 10 being – would least like), please rank these proposals:

i. Multi-lingual signage around the ground and its environs
ii. An organic falafel kiosk in City Square
iii. A free moustache trimmer with every season card
iv. A 3-5-2 formation for all games
v. A holistic approach to beverages and hot pies
vi. An aggressive marketing campaign against Manchester United
vii. Higher ticket prices with lots of fun, exciting, unique free add-ons!!!
viii. In-match live replays beamed live to your retina
ix. A red home kit to help maximise Asian revenue streams
x. Pimms behind the bar

Would you like your next season ticket to be:

1) A physical card
2) An e-card, via your mobile phone
3) A book of tear-off strips, just like the old days
4) Edible

If the stadium was to be rebranded, which name would you prefer?

I. The Blue Glory Camp
II. The Citizens Arena
III. The Abu Dhabi Success Stadium
IV. New Maine Road
V. The Aero Bubble Booth
VI. The Tesco Express Checkout Ground
VII. The Emptyhad
VIII. The Council House
IX. The Boo Camp

How many times per season would like to enjoy a “corporate experience”?

a) Every game
b) 20-30 times a season
c) 10-15 times a season

Who would you like the new manager to be?

1) Alan Pardew
2) Jose Mourinho
3) Brian Kidd
4) MANUEL PELLIGRINI
5) Moonchester

How much would you be willing to pay for a half-time massage?

How much would you be willing to pay for a customised seat?

How much would you be willing to pay for a Gael Clichy pencil case?

Would you want the pencil case to include a Manchester City eraser, pencil and felt-tip?

If not, why not?

What do you mean, you don’t need a pencil?!

Roque Santa Cruz is looking like a great player again isn’t he? Eh?

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One Comment
  1. Admit it Howie you have blatantly stolen most of the first part of this from that nice Mr Cross at the Mirror haven’t you? As for the pencil case i don’t need one as I still have my junior blues pencil case, though i must admit the felt-tip long ago gave up.

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