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The Various Stages of a Football Outrage

June 6, 2013

A footballer does a BAD THING. To make matters worse, the referee doesn’t punish him at the time of the incident.

Twitter goes into meltdown.

The offender’s manager comments that he isn’t that sort of player.

High profile player? The Sky Sports Trial begins.

This can last weeks, more than a real-life murder trial. It begins with a 24/7 looping replay of said incident. This incident will be slowed down to virtually a standstill and replayed from numerous angles.

An ex-player who can just about (on a good day) string a sentence together will be wheeled into the studio to give his views, which will include being horrified, may well contain a hint of xenophobia (if the offending player is from foreign parts), and will probably hark back to the good old days.

Ollie Holt will bemoan the lack of black managers in the game.

An ex-referee may also be called upon to give his expert opinion.

These opinions will then appear as news articles on Sky’s (and many others’) websites.

If this is a very high-profile club, there may be the need to interview a police commissioner.

 “If he’d done that in the street, he’d be arrested,” the commissioner will state with a straight face.

 (Let’s face it, we all know someone who has served “ time” after going in knee-high on someone with a slide-tackle outside Greenhalgh’s.)

Finally, Sky may merge in some “vox-pops” with members of the public, though only those that are disgusted and wish to repeat the line about him being-arrested-if-he-did-that-in-the-street.

Articles will now appear in newspapers. At least one football journalist will unfavourably compare football to rugby, or if the incident occurs during a certain year, the Olympics. Ollie Holt will bemoan the lack of black managers in the game.

Fans of the club of the offending player will point out that other players have done worse things before.

Fans of the club of the offending player will point out that the recipient of the tackle/punch/stream of saliva “made a meal out of it”. Mental notes will be made to boo the fouled player vociferously the next eighteen times the two clubs meet.

Reports emerge that the police are investigating the incident after a member of the public made an official complaint. 

The FA announce that there will be no further action against the player as the referee dealt with it at the time.

Twitter goes into meltdown again. It crashes for three hours, meaning posting a tweet takes a whole morning.

Two hundred and seventy articles are published slamming the FA. Various journalists comment on how they have now lost all credibility. Ollie Holt will bemoan the lack of black managers in the game.

 Another footballer does a BAD THING…………..

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