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The Bumper Bundle of City Slurs – UPDATED

March 31, 2014

The sheikhs will get bored. This was the default setting for the anti-City brigade in the early months and years of the new regime, but you may still see the odd straggler pop up every now and then with the same claim, their desperation tangible. The construction of one of the world’s premier academies has rather scuppered this argument, as has the announcement this week of the club-backed plan to build 7000 homes on wasteland near the ground.

How can City spend so much money during a recession? My personal favourite this one. Never mind that every second, City players’ wages are making the government money, every ticket sold makes the government VAT, never mind that owners from Abu Dhabi aren’t responsible for the British economy, never mind that they are regenerating a swathe of east Manchester, the bulls**t mountain peaked soon after the takeover when Mark Lawrenson commented that City’s money could be used to build hospitals, whilst Mike Calvin opined that the Sheikh should take over FCUM.

Spent a billion pounds on the team. Textbook figure-spinning here, as repeated by prize buffoon Brian Reade this week. You will have read 100 times about City’s billion pound team. It is nothing of the sort of course, as a billion pounds is the total investment in the club by the owners, including huge building projects and naturally the figure ignores income from sales and suchlike. But it’s such a nice, big, round figure for the world’s dimwits to quote.

City are the Sheikh’s “plaything”. As a kid I had a lego fire station and Subbuteo. Sheikh Mansour clearly moves on different levels. To be fair, I do recall that the rich kids at my school all owned football clubs.

The oil will run out. When it does City will be royally screwed, goes the argument. When City’s owner makes a couple of billion pounds in one afternoon from selling his shares in Barclays, the argument falls down somewhat.

City have bought success. Remember football before City came along and killed it? I particularly remember United’s band of plucky part-timers, loanees and free transfers that swept all before them in the 1990s. Simpler times. We will all be reminded of City’s buying power should Liverpool win this season’s Premier League, whilst their spending, good and bad, will be consigned to history’s dustbin.

You can’t buy success. Some argue the opposite of the above point. Yes, yes you can, as demonstrated by United and Chelsea over the past 20 years. Repeatedly breaking the transfer record suggests otherwise doesn’t it United? Paying a player £300,000 a week might not be quite successful however. Now that United have had a bad season, what will they do? Spend of course, and spend BIG.

Emptyhad. TOP BANTER KLAXON. Yep, City never sell out, apart from all those games that they have sold out, and woe betide if anyone goes to the toilet during a match as the watching nation will seize upon your naked seat in an instant. This is an argument that has transcended social media and is parroted by MEN, Guardian journalists and beyond. As news filters through that City’s ground expansion will start imminently, prepare to be bored senseless by witty comments on not selling out.

City fans are bitters and liars. As shown by the previous point, the rest of this article and the season as a whole for the team across the city, I think we can now all say with some conviction who the bitters and liars are.

Most City fans used to support Chelsea. Back to the playground we go, for a claim so puerile and stupid it’s hard to dissect. The sad thing is that the people who come out with this think they are actually being funny. Think about that for a moment. #Megalolz.

You can’t buy class. Well indeed. Can’t really argue with this. You can’t buy class such as Vincent Kompany, Fernandinho, David Silva and Sergio Aguero, players who ooze class and humility on and off the pitch, but you can buy a striker banned for racist remarks, a defender banned for racist remarks, a compulsory cup scheme, owners leeching hundreds of millions out of the club, owners who change the colour of the home kit or the name of the team and you can buy £1000+ season tickets or Marione Fellaini. So yeah, spot on. If only City fans could demonstrate such vast reservoirs of class to fly a plane over the ground during a match calling for our manager to be sacked because we couldn’t cope with six months without success.

All City fans have moustaches. A ridiculous claim. I know at least two City fans who don’t have moustaches (hello Karen and Clara).

All City fans live in Stockport. Yet somehow we are all glory-hunters, supported Chelsea until 5 years ago and the ground is full of day-trippers, because as we all know…

Where were we when we were s**t? Nothing to say on this. Embarrassing.

City players are all mercenaries. Unlike Wayne Rooney.

City fans will ruin the minute’s silence for the 50th anniversary of the Munich tragedy.
One journalist demanded one policeman on the touchline for each City fan in the ground. Every other journalist demanded severe sanctions before the inevitable had even happened.
As the minutes’ silence was played out impeccably, Sky turned the volume up to 11, so that you could hear a tramp shouting at a pigeon in the city centre. All to no avail. The City fans refused to play ball and give the media the story they desperately wanted and then the team made things worse by winning.

With the money they’ve spent….
A favourite refrain of Barry Glendenning on the Guardian podcast, after which another guest usually posts a more balanced view after which Glendenning gets tongue-tied by his own flawed arguments.
Anyway, with the money City have spent, they should:
1) Have the league sewn up by Christmas
(subsection point: “If Ferguson or Mourinho were in charge of this team”, etc)
2) Win every trophy
3) Be a match for Barcelona et al
4) Be nurturing the future England team
5) Be able to sell out the occasional match
6) Not be playing Martin Demichelis, ever.

Ok, I’ll give them that last one*.

*not really.

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From → Manchester City

9 Comments
  1. Great article, beautifully worded.

  2. Top stuff again Howard, how you get any work done at that Stretford job centre is beyond me.

  3. Fifthcolumnblue permalink

    Brilliant – but you left out the latest one about the Sheikh buying up all the refs to make sure we get ALL the decisions – like Vincent Kompany getting sent off for being fouled at Hull for instance…

  4. Just love it..right on the nose.

  5. This is Bullshit, you all are suckers,haters,envious wrech.wait till you see *City fall.we grow each day by day,why did you write only of your bad thinken,why didnt you write of the good things that is happening in the club n manchester itself…..once beating twice shy,love or hate man city we will always stay hate free#

  6. Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherfore art thou sense of sarcasm?

  7. I’m with Romeo, Howie. I’m going #hatefree.

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