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Football In The Bible: Part 2

June 5, 2014

Genesis & Exodus

In the beginning there was earth and Sepp Blatter.

Now the whole world had one language and a common speech, and this language was football. As people moved eastward, and westward they found a tax haven in Zurich and settled there.

But the LORD came down to see the people. “Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other.” And thus some called it soccer and some picked up a squashed ball and called that football.
So the LORD scattered them from there over all the earth, even to Qatar.

They said to each other, “Come, let us build ourselves a city, with two towers that reach to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves; otherwise we will be scattered over the face of the whole earth.” And this was Wembley.
And great rivers of urine would flow down the aisles during competition.

And the LORD added, as he was a chatterbox and a bit lonely: “As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it.”

And one woman named Jordan did take this command seriously, and she did multiply and she begat many men.
And Dwight of York(e) did make an eventful journey through Jordan.

When Yorke was 25 years old, he became the father of Harvey. And after he became the father of Harvey, Yorke lived 100 years and had other sons and daughters and begat many women of glamour.

When Jordan had lived 24 years, she became the mother of Harvey. And after she became the mother of Harvey, Jordan lived forever and had other sons and daughters.

But first she begat Teddy from the town of London, and Dane of Bowers, who was on another level. Then she begat Warren the gladiator, who was ace.
And the LORD did proclaim: “Awooga.”

When Jordan had lived 27 years, she became the mother of Junior Savva Andreas Andre having previously begat Gareth at the heavenly gates and Peter of Andre. And after she became the mother of Junior Savva Andreas Andre, Jordan lived forever and had other sons and daughters.

When Jordan had lived 30 years, she became the mother of Princess Tiaamii Crystal Esther Andre having previously begat Alex Reid and Peter of Andre. And after she became the mother of Princess Tiaamii Crystal Esther Andre, Jordan lived forever and had other sons and daughters.

When Jordan had lived 33 years, she became the mother of Jett Riviera having previously begat Leandro Penna and Peter of Andre. And after she became the mother of Jett Riviera, Jordan lived forever and had other sons and daughters.

When Jordan had lived 36 years, she became the mother of Chardonnay Dame Butternut S’quash Bianca Precious Price having previously begat Kieran Hayler and Peter of Andre. And after she became the mother of Chardonnay Dame Butternut S’quash Bianca Precious Price, Jordan lived forever and had other sons and daughters.

And after naming her 5th child, the lord did ask “Are you ******* serious?” and Jordan doth reply “yes I am.” And so it was thus.

Yet whilst Jordan populated the earth and spread the seed, a tribe with no history sought refuge and a place to stay two thousand and three years after Christ.

The LORD’S cityzens did say unto him, thou shalt build me a council house to dwell in: for I have dwelt in a mis-shaped house since the day that I brought up the blues unto this day. And I sat on uncovered seats and I was wet.
The lord spaketh: I will ordain a place for my people , and will plant them, and they shall dwell in their place, and shall be moved no more, except for European games and stadium expansions;

And a man named Bernstein did predict: He shall build me a house, and I will establish his throne for ever, and due to a market-fair sponsorship deal, it shall be named the Etihad.

Bernstein travelled through the land as far as the site of the great tree of Beswick. The LORD appeared to Bernstein and said, “To your offspring I will give this land.” So he built an altar there to the LORD, who had appeared to him and he called it the B of the Bang. But it did fall apart and speared three people, so it was destroyed by fire and cranes and rust.

Now there was a famine in the land, and the people did not see a single goal for months. So Stuart of Pearce brought forth Beanie and he did see an upturn in fortune and all did rejoice, occasionally.

And out of the wilderness came three wise men.

These wise men brought gifts. Gold, Frank’s (in cents) share of the club and more.

And the lord did apologise for the previous line. And the three wise men were Sheikh Mansour, Khaldoon al Mubarak, and a joker whose name the LORD has forgotten who was soon despatched to the shimmering deserts of the east.

There was great joy amongst the cityzens and this joy was purchased with petrodollars. But it was non-organic joy and this provoked wrath in others.

But then the red tribe came to the fore with the greatest attacking threat seen since the birth of the glorious game, which was a thousand years and nine hundred and ninety years with two more years after Christ. #ynwa
1992. I’m trying to say 1992. Why didn’t people talk normal in those days?

But the author did digress. Then the LORD said to the cityzens, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? You must believe.” And the Lord did log into Twitter and create the believe hashtag, and so it was that it was trending in Manchester, as was #fighttotheend, #mercenaryyaya and #sellgarciai’lldrivehimtotheairportmyselfifihaveto.

And a great man led the tribe to greatness, and he was named Stevie G. And the people spake on the mount, saying that glory was his destiny and fitting, in this year of all years. But with magnificent spoils in sight he did slip and the man of sheep did take the ball and place it firmly in the onion bag.

And Stevie G spake to the lord, for he was distressed and he said:
Hear me, lest otherwise they should rejoice over me: when my foot slippeth, they magnify themselves against me. For I am ready to halt, and my sorrow is continually before me. For I will declare mine iniquity; I will be sorry for my sin.
But mine enemies are lively, and they are strong: and they that hate me wrongfully are multiplied and have fine voice when signing songs about me.
Make haste to help me, O Lord my salvation

And the tribe walked on, and they walked on, with no hope in their hearts, and the bus that was without roof did reverse into the garage, and there was much beeping and there was also much weeping and silences of sixty seconds at the surrender #ynwa

But the messiah spoke to his people and he did say: “People, we made a great journey. This year I doth hand out no envelopes, as our warriors did capture the hearts of a nation, and of all neutrals. From Newcastle, which is by the brink of the river of Tyne, and from the city that is by the river, even unto Birmingham, there was not one city too strong for us: the LORD our God delivered all unto us: except for the crystal palace. And Chelsea. And the cityzens of Manchester. And I proclaim now – next year will definitely be our year.” #ynwa

And lo(l), they captured Ricky Lambert #ynwa

And there was sadness around the land, in studios from the north to the south, from the west to the east. From the Lawrenson tribe to the Hansen tribe to the Rush tribe to the Thompson tribe to the Owen tribe to the Fowler tribe to the Redknapp tribe to the Hamann tribe to the Reade tribe to the Green tribe – across the land a great sorrow spread like pestilence and consumed all those in suits of shells #ynwa.

And the chosen one brought the united tribe out of Europe with a mighty hand. And thus he was exiled to the wilderness as united aspired to be like the cityzens. In exile was where he did fight in wine bars. And he did transgresseth by wine, as was the United manager way.

And into exile followed Micah, Les’cott and the milliner and Rod’well.

And there was great mourning and anger at the Daily Mail, as Neil of Ashton asked what this meant for the country’s team. And he thought it was bad.

The Book of Figures

But then a great cloud covered the east of Manchester, a plague sent from the east. And the lord did say:
I send a curse, if ye will not obey the commandments of UEFA your god, but turn aside out of the way which I command you this day.

For if ye shall diligently keep all these commandments which I command you, to do them, to love the UEFA your God, to walk in all his ways, and to cleave unto him; then will the LORD drive out all these penalties from before you, and ye shall possess greater solvency.

And ye shall observe to do all the statutes and judgments which I set before you this day, for these commandments have come from above, from David of Gill, from David of Dein from Arsene of Wenger and from Karl Heinz of Rumenigge. For they doth protect their interests at your expense and it must be so for these are the rules.

For the wicked plotteth against the just, and gnasheth upon him with his teeth, saying financial fair play is just. The sheikh did laugh at him, for he seeth that his day is coming.

The wicked G14 have drawn out the sword, and have bent their bow, to cast down the poor and needy, and to slay such as be of upright conversation. Their sword shall enter into their own heart, and their bows shall be broken. And the red devils, led astray into the wilderness by the chosen one, shall reap what they sow. The wicked borroweth via debt and leverage and payeth not again: but the righteous showeth mercy and giveth, both in trophies and pukka pies and city square and holistic ways.

The Book of Bumps

And Brian of Marwood hastened into the tent unto Sarah the lady of the canteen, and said, make ready quickly three measures of fine meal, knead it, and make cakes upon the hearth. For it be Yaya’s birthday and thou hast forgotten amidst the celebrating of the great title. Go forth and knead, for he is needy.

And they gave him a piece of a cake of figs, and two clusters of raisins: and when he had eaten, his spirit came again to him: for he had eaten no bread, nor drunk any water, three days and three nights. Nor had he been sung to nor even had the bumps. And he was not happy as he felt unloved. And he went to his advisor and he did tell him to arrange him an escape.

Then Mansour said to Kolo, “Where is your brother Yaya?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
The LORD said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s agent cries out to me from the ground. Now you are under a curse. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth and be sold to QPR.”
Kolo said to Mansour, “My punishment is more than I can bear.”
So Kolo went out from the scousers’ presence and lived in the land of London, east of Bath. And his keeper Harry, who was inflicted with cockneyness, did proclaim he was triffic.

And the agent said unto Yaya, depart, and go up hence, thou and the people which thou hast brought up out of the land of east Manchester, unto a land flowing with milk and honey: for I will not go up in the midst of thee; for thou art a stiffnecked people with great facial hair: lest I consume thee in the way.

And when the people heard these evil tidings, they mourned: and no man did put on him his ornaments nor on the back of his shirt.

And the people did slate Yaya on Twitter. But then Yaya did backtrack quicker than a Liverpool parade bus and did say he was mistaken as his advisor did find no suitor in the land of Catalans, and the people did worship Yaya once more and they did proclaim: “when you are of thirty and two years, we will not forget. And there will be cakes and balloons and streamers and a party with fish and bread. And so it came to pass, that there was a party with cakes and balloons and streamers and Yaya was happy for another year as he had six hundred extra shekels of gold by weight.”

And he said, I beseech thee, shew me thy glory. And the people did shake their hands low and high and did sing him his song.

The Book of Cups

And every four years we shall celebrate this holy kicking of the pig’s bladder with a competition. And the lord did command that only certain words would be spaken from competition beginning to competition end, and these words were the best a man can get, always coca-cola and impossible is nothing. Just do it spoke the LORD.

And Wayne Rooney did place the ball into orbit from twelve cubits, and the ball did travel through the heavens for 40 days and 40 nights before landing in Argentina. And Wayne was distraught and appealed for leniency. And he was taken to one side and he was reassured and he was introduced to an ad man from Domino’s and everything was peaceful.

And Jesus did feed the five thousand. And he did walk on water. And he did perform many miracles. And great plagues were brought down on the people. And the earth was flooded. And Adam did speak to a snake. And Phil Jones and Chris Smalling and Tom Cleverley did lead England to glory in the competition of each four years.
And the LORD did take the author of the bible to one side and he did say “you can’t put in that bit about Jones, Smalling & Cleverley, for the people with think the book too far-fetched.” And thus the author did replace their story of glory with a tale about the sea parting in two.

Book of Epilogues

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.

He is ever merciful, and lendeth; and his seed is blessed. He is Vincent Kompany.

Depart from evil, and do good; and dwell for evermore said the lord, and he did so.

The lord spake: the righteous shall inherit the land, and dwell therein for ever, or at least until the tenancy expires.

And the rest, as the LORD did say, was history…..

You can buy the author’s Manchester City 2013/14 Season Review book in kindle and paperback format here:


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One Comment
  1. Hilarious.. Totally hilarious..

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